PTSD

And they call it the gentlemen's game...

Yup. Post on cricket, of all things. Again, one of those things you grow up with if you're a teenager in Asia (again, generalising. But, one can't avoid cricket over there even if one does not care much for it). Sledging, or making comments on your opponent's game to put him off it, is fairly common but only gained notice recently because of the addition of on-field microphones (imagine most of these being broadcast into homes the world over).

With thanks to the Irish for finding this (with explanations within parentheses by me and also clarifications as to who is playing whom). Too bad that some of the good ones have been censored (I'll try to find them and update later)! Found some of them: Scroll down for the update.

1 Rod Marsh (Australian wicketkeeper: this is the guy who sits behind the wicket. The wicket is...ah heck. He's like the catcher in baseball, I think. Though I'm woefully ignorant of baseball positions) & Ian Botham (English fast bowler. This is like the pitcher in baseball. I'm probably going to get stoned by both sides for comparing baseball with cricket):
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan (South African batsman. Yes, the batter (is that the correct term? I'm too lazy to google it)) & Shane Warne (Australian slow bowler. Rather chubby. Well known for allegedly having phone sex with English nurses): As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

4. Robin Smith (South African-turned-English batsman) & Merv Hughes (Aussie fast bowler. Had a luxurious set of moustaches. Looked rather like a pirate): During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary (one smacks balls to the boundary to make runs quickly. This practice also makes watching cricket slightly more bearable): "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes (see no. 4) & Javed Miandad (Pakistani batsman. Another luxurious set of moustaches there): During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

8. James Ormond (not sure but since it's the Ashes which are played between England and Australia, I'd say English) had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh (one of a pair of twins. Australian all-rounder i.e. can bat and bowl i.e can pitch and bat? in Americanese? There were also two other brothers. All played cricket)....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England (ah, here we go. It's not just me who didn't know who he was then)" JO : "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

12. Malcolm Marshall (West Indian fast bowler. One of a quartet. Watching these blokes bowl was like watching art. Or poetry. It was like listening to really good poetry being read by a smoky Welsh voice :-)) was bowling to David Boon (Aussie batsman. Short and stout. Rather like a beer stubbie) who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"


Update: So, here're some of the ones that were censored:

3. Glenn McGrath (Australian fast bowler. Brilliant bowler but also big on sledging. Still playing even though he's in his mid-30s) & Eddo Brandes (Zimbabwean batsman) : After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
"Cos every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

6. Merv Hughes (see no. 4) & Viv Richards (West Indian batsman. One of the best players of his time): During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
Viv: "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k *ff." (Ahh...Australians)

7. Ricky Ponting (Australian batsman. Notice the proliferation of Aussies on this list? He's also the captain of the team right now) & Shaun Pollock (South African fast bowler. Redhead. I've got a thing for redheads :-)): After going past the outside edge (i.e. just missing the bat and hence missing getting a wicket...yes, explanations about cricket are better done over beer(s)) with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground (another way to make loads of runs quickly. Counts as crossing the boundary).
Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

8. Okay, if you're offended by the C-word, stop reading. With that warning:
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's (Australian wicketkeeper of the 1990s) legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 (The channel that shows cricket in Australia and which also broadcasts matches, via Rupert Murdoch's STAR Television, throughout Southeast and South Asia) microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga (Sri Lankan batsman) called for a runner (In cricket, you can call for a runner i.e. call for someone else to "run between the wickets" in your stead. This is usually only allowed if you are injured though it's a priviledge that's often taken. One of the more amusing sights is when the runner is run out. Again, the beer's on me whenever yous want explanations of all this. Though, for my American readers, I'd appreciate a primer on baseball) on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

And, finally, to show that they did it better in the old days (This was probably the 1950s or 1960s). And, it's not even to the opposition but these are blokes playing for the same team!

Fred Trueman (English fast bowler) bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip (row of one to three or four people who sit next to the wicket and hope to catch the ball and hence get the batsman out), and right between Raman Subba Row's legs (which means he missed the catch and the batsman got to play on). Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" Trueman replied.

posted by Priya @ 3:45 PM