PTSD

On being hated

This has been a rather strange week. Yesterday, one of my colleagues, Colleague X, who shares the office with me and with two others (both of whom are away for the Easter holidays) at UOOD, told me something that I had never had said directly to me before (about time, some of yous might say :-)). He said (and I quote), “you are weird and rude” and went on to add I was “the most offensive person I have ever met”, prefacing this with “I have lived in many places”.

The odd thing (to me) was that my physical reactions (heart pounding, reddening ears and thank goodness I have the sort of complexion where red ears can’t be noticed too much, and a ridiculous desire to leave the room) were not in line with my verbal ones.

I replied, “Oh, and who was the next offensive person you have ever met? Can you name him or her? How am I worse?”

This response did not go down well. I can safely say that things deteriorated from there and ended up in an area where the conversation went along the lines of:

Colleague X: so you think you are “cool” by saying that? (I could see the inverted commas around that statement)

Me: Umm..yes, of course I am cool. It goes without saying that I am cool (people who know me can realise that this is so untrue :-)).

CX: that is why I don’t like to talk to you. You are rude and offensive and don’t take things seriously.

Me: Compared to what? Or whom? Do I not get a say in trying to be less offensive? And did you not already say this before?

CX: Before I met you, I thought Nepalese people were nice. I think you are arrogant and give Nepalese people a bad name.

I actually felt worse. I felt like retorting he wasn’t giving WCountry a good name either and does he think that I exemplify all Nepalese? But, I didn’t say anything like that. Instead, I told him if he felt that way, and since I already had enough people to talk with, he didn’t have to talk to me at all. We could share the office space and work.

The context that led to him saying I was the most offensive person he had ever met was that he was asking about when our other colleagues had left and were returning. I had replied I did not know or care. He then said that he found it astonishing that I did not pay more attention to my “roommates”. I replied that my roommates’ activities did not concern me too much (which they don’t. I assume if they need me to know something, they will tell me. Maybe it is a brain thing…read the brain posts). Then, he said what he said.

The thing about this is not that I was upset. Yes, I was. As a fairly easy-going person, I have never been told that I am hated. Or, even if I have been, I have not been told that I am the MOST offensive person someone had ever met. And, this bloke’s in his 40s so even leaving out his early years, he must have met over 500 people in his time. And, I am the most offensive? The most? And the point that I was being linked to the millions of Nepalis who would never know Colleague X but who would now be represented as “rude and offensive”, through no actions of their own. I was not just an other but had been represented as an other who then represented “Nepalis”.

But, more than that, I was actually rather astonished myself at the seeming disconnect between my physical and verbal reactions. My physical reactions were uncontrollable: I could not stop my heart pounding or my ears (and face) turning red. I did want to leave the room. I felt rather wary of entering it again this morning. But, verbally, I responded in what one may call a frivolous way (which led him to believe that I wasn’t serious about all this). I didn’t call him names. I didn’t attack his “nationality”. I didn’t apologise for not caring about my “roommates”. I used words and now I am writing things down.

In my work, I am working on a topic where hate is used commonly. Discourses seem to reproduce tropes used in earlier conversations; different interpretations of events are used to legitimise current conversations and people often say they hate [insert name of “other side” here]. I have been reading blogs (and comments) on recent events in Northern Ireland written by people from “different sides” in the conflict (see here for one example). The common tropes used in conversations (sinners to refer to Sinn Fein, the Irish state as a sponsor of terrorism, “prods” as bigoted, etc) are repeated. People narrate events differently. As the Delgadoes song says, "Hate is all around".

After being positioned as an object of hatred, I can definitely say it was not pleasant. And, yes, I can understand people who would like to respond back with words (or actions) because I did too. My cue, in that conversation, was probably to have apologised for being frivolous and for offending Colleague X. I didn't take it.

I guess I should just obsessing about this and go and call Colleague X a self-important b-gger who can’t even w-nk properly. If this were Australia (or even Nepal, I guess), I’d give it a try. Who knows what would have happened then (either laughter and beers or violence!)? But, here, I won't. I don't really know what to do next.

posted by Priya @ 6:56 AM