PTSD

Taking a break

I've been studying all day (since nine a.m., so that's, let's see, 8.5 hours now, with another five or six to go) for the comp from hell, and just glanced up to see the sun streaming though the patio doors and bouncing off the disco ball and those little crystal shiny things in the window. It's pretty spectacular, and probably has looked beautiful for most of the afternoon, but I haven't had time to notice it. Of course, rainbows and sparkly things are mostly wasted on me anyway.

But still, I've been trying to cram the names of theorists into my head while there was something else right in front of me. And I've been doing it for three years now, and before that did the same thing with cases and black letter law, and before that spent four years trying to reconcile medieval literature and military history. I'm beginning to wonder where, in this extended socializing process, we're meant to stop and look around. To sit and reflect on the process, and our discipline, and all the changes that we go through in our indoctrination as academics.

Because, I have to tell you, I could use the break to catch my breath. I'm not even sure right now what I already know, which makes it kind of hard to figure out what I still need to learn. Today it feels like I need to learn everything.

And I'm still not going to pass the damn test. They could probably hand out the answers and tell me to type them in, and I'd still manage to blow it. I could be the last student on earth, and I still wouldn't be able to PASS THIS STUPID EXAM.

I am not used to failing. I don't think I have a talent for it. It's definitely not a habit I want to get into.

Right, break's over. Back to the critical theorists.

Whew. And you thought Priya was the only one who could bring the angst.

posted by Elizabeth @ 5:28 PM